Step 1: Who are you? It’s easy to get down on yourself when facing financial problems, but people who feel unworthy of friendship rarely make friends. Like yourself and others will like you, too. Treat yourself right, be kind to yourself.
Monitor negative “self-talk.” When “woulda... coulda... shoulda” thoughts creep into your mind, cut yourself off -- then cut yourself a break. Sure, you’ve made some mistakes (everyone has!), but you also got plenty of things right. Some situations are totally out of your control, downsizing, cutting back, eliminating positions....all of these are out of your control and you are just a byproduct of a down economy. The bottom line is that either you or someone you care for has suffered a setback.
Live according to your own sense of purpose, not to please others but to please God. We like ourselves most when we follow our inner gyroscope and are walking a path pleasing to our Heavenly Father.
Step 2: Become a master of empathy. Empathy is made up of two separate skills -- sympathy and analysis. For most of us, one of these skills comes naturally while the other is more difficult. Typically, women are better at sympathy, men at analysis.
Key: Realize that your natural response is not necessarily the proper one in a particular situation. Before reacting to a friend’s problem, try to determine what sort of response this person wants. Does he/she want your sympathy, or will he consider the attention embarrassing? Does he want a solution to his problem, or would he prefer to solve it on his own?
Example: A friend who has not yet retired tells you about his employer’s increasingly precarious financial condition. If you are a sympathizer, you might focus on his concerns for the future of his job and console him... if you are an analyzer, you might suggest job-hunting techniques that could help him find a more stable employer.
A well-rounded empathizer would express concern about the situation, but listen for indications that the person wants further consolation or potential solutions before saying anything more.
Step 3: Ask for help... and lend a hand without being asked. People like people who ask for their help. It feels good to be needed, and it is flattering to be treated like an expert.
Examples: Ask a friend to help you select a book to read, a play to attend or a bed-and-breakfast for a weekend away. Target a topic this friend is knowledgeable about. Later, compliment the friend on his choice.
Providing help can build friendships as well, but only if you supply help before it is requested. If an acquaintance seems overwhelmed by responsibilities, ask “What can I do to help?” and don’t take no for an answer... or simply show up ready to help when the work is being done. Don’t wait to be asked for your assistance -- people asking for help feel uncomfortable and needy.
Step 4: Learn to listen. People tend to like people who listen to what they say. Listening means genuinely hearing and thinking about what someone else is saying, not just waiting for your chance to speak. You can learn to be an effective listener even if it is not one of your natural skills.
Exercise: When someone tells you a story, imagine that the events are happening to you. This increases the odds that your face will convey appropriate emotions. Make statements that show that you understand the speaker’s feelings and that you consider these feelings reasonable. If you are not certain what the speaker feels, take your best guess, then ask for confirmation.
Example: An acquaintance shares a story about narrowly avoiding an accident caused by a driver in the next lane shaving while looking in his rear-view mirror and traveling at 70 miles an hour.
To be a good listener, don’t prepare your own dumb-driver anecdote in your mind while this acquaintance speaks. Instead, listen and try to sense what emotion the speaker is trying to convey. Is he feeling anger at the other driver? Fear from the near miss? Or does he think the story is humorous? Then respond accordingly.
Step 5: Create shared memories. Shared experiences -- particularly those shared in times of stress -- are what bind friends together. A shortcut to deepen friendships is to create a unique experience that is sure to make a memory. Simply keep your eyes open for opportunities. You may have to spend a few dollars or make a bold move. Just do it! The memories are worth it.
Example: During a trip to Mount St. Helens, I hired a helicopter to take me, my wife and another couple down into the crater. The four of us have become very close and we often talk about that helicopter ride.
Step 6: Compliment early and often. Every time you encounter a friend, offer a compliment within the first 30 seconds. This will get things off to a positive start, and people will associate positive feelings with time spent with you -- increasing the odds that they will want to be around you. Offering compliments is particularly important at times like these when so many people are feeling down about themselves.
Key: Compliments must be honest -- it’s easy to spot insincerity. Comment on a new haircut or an item of clothing... pass along something nice you heard about the person... thank him for information or advice he provided that proved useful.
Example: At a recent dinner party, I told someone that his commitment to fitness had inspired me to exercise more.
Step 7: Become invested in your friend’s future. “What is a big dream of yours?” or “What would you like to accomplish in the next 10 years?” are good conversational questions. They show that you are interested in the person’s goals and dreams -- and allow people to present themselves in any way they like.
On the other hand, “How have you been?” is a particularly iffy question these days. It forces many people to either admit that they are suffering in this weak economy or lie and say that everything is fine. Ask about people’s plans instead, and you allow them to look forward to better times.
Once you know where people want to go in their lives, you may find opportunities to help them on their way.
Examples: Introduce them to potentially useful contacts, or e-mail an article that they may find interesting.
Now you have established an ongoing contact -- which may lead to a true friendship. But you will never know if you don’t take the first step.
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